A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A set of screwdrivers,
a cordless drill,
and a black lace bra.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

One friend who always
makes her laugh...
and one who
let's her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A good piece of furniture
not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

Eight matching plates,
wine glasses with stems,
and a recipe for a meal that will make
her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE...

A feeling of control over
her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to fall in love
without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to quit a job,
break up with a lover,
and confront a friend
without ruining the friendship...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

When to try harder... and
when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That she can't change the
length of her calves,
the width of her hips,
or the nature of the parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

That her childhood may not
have been perfect...but...
it's over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she would and
wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

How to live alone...even if
she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Whom she can trust,
whom she can't
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

Where to go...
be it her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...

What she can and can't
accomplish in a day...
a month... and a year...

SEND THIS TO 3 WOMEN...

You will have good luck for an entire day...

SEND THIS TO 6 WOMEN...

You will have good luck for all of the year...
But, if nothing else...know that you are truly
loved and thought of by the friend who sent this to you...
and that she only wishes the best for you and your life!

Harbour e-mailed this to me and I laughed like crazy I hope it is ok with you sis that I put this up!!!

I am still laughing. Have an excellent day.

NEW RULES for 2006 (George Carlin)

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a
reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!

Besides, I already know what the captain
of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless
you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili.

Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot,
blonde teachers are permanently damaged.

I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards,
you're a dope.

If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man , they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.

Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water.

There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You wantflavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's yourflavored water.

New Rule: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue.

Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole.

If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier!

By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, No, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual.

It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport.

It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M.

If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.

Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries.

You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.

After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in
months.

"27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. AndI didn't really care in the first place.

Sylvestor catches Tweety

Watch this until Sylvestor catches Tweety...(wait for it. It's worth it)... then scroll down...






This was an idiot test. How long did you watch?

0-2 seconds - there's hope for you
2-5 seconds - having a bad day?
5-10 seconds - are you maybe just a slow reader?
10-20 seconds - remedial classes are nothing to be a shamed of
20-30 seconds - it is recommended that you don't breed
30sec.-1 min. - you prabably can't read this anyways, so why
bother?
1 - 2 min. - the equivelant of the average house plant
5 min.- 1 hr. - Dead people score in this range
1 hour plus - Congratulations. You have a negative IQ.

To find out what your prize is, Watch Bugs until he finishes his carrot.....

I am trying to figure out why parents allow their kids to go into chatrooms and do not pay attention to WHAT they are saying or acting...

Here is an example of what I am talking about...

Here we are talking to a 12 year old boy and at first things are going fine and then he starts calling me a "Ho" and other choice words that I will NOT put in here!!! He has changed his name a few times but my sis can figure him out like nobody's business!! Here are the names that he has used and I am sure that many of you know who I am talking about...

Booky Boy
Jack Tripper
Fat Albert

This little child has alot of issues that he needs addressed and yet his parents probably have no idea that he is acting like this and why...because he thinks he can!!!

NOT MY BOYS -- they live with my parents and my mother has tight reign on this subject let me tell you.

Anyways, he tired to take on the whole chatroom and finally he left and things went back to normal --I am very upset that his parents even let him on the computer!!! If he was my kid and at the age of 12 -- I would be right there!!!

Now here is another problem in the chatroom...young girls and I do mean YOUNG -- we are talking about 11 - 14 year old girls trying to talk to you in the PM and trying to seduce you!!! What is this all about!!! I am sorry but when I was that age THAT was the furthest thing from my mind but then again it is on the parents not paying attention to their kids!!! Mind you I am not saying ALL parents are like this but come on!!!

Are we so busy in our own lives not to think about checking on them and making sure that they are not doing stuff like this??? I am just curious where the kids get the idea that just because their parents are watching TV that they can act and talk like this and of course they ALWAYS ask this...asl...What does that matter?? Even when you tell them they still act like fools!!!

So what do you think?? Should children between the ages of say 11 - 15 be in the chatrooms??? I know we have freedom of speech but come on now that is just crazy!!

I am not blaming this completely on the parents because the kids know that what they are doing is wrong and they think that it is cool and that EVERYONE will find it cute when they tell them how old they are...I AM SO SICK AND TIRED OF IT!!!!

OK I think I feel better now -- Tell me what you think??

What Are Your Kids Doing??

I got this in an e-mail from my mom and she sent it to my 2 older boys as well...

The Child's Comments and Thoughts
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face.
He decided he was smart enough,
to put me in my place.
"Guess what I learned in Civics Two,
that's taught by Mr. Wright?
It's all about the laws today,
The 'Children's Bill of Rights.
It says I need not clean my room,
don't have to cut my hair
No one can tell me what to think,
or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion,
and regardless what you say,
I don't have to bow my head,
and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want,
and pierce my tongue & nose.
I can read & watch just what I like,
get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me,
I'll charge you with a crime.
I'll back up all my charges,
with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me,
my body's only for my use,
not for your hugs and
kisses,that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals,
like your Mama did to you.
That's nothing more than mind control,
And it's illegal too!
Mom, I have these children's rights,
so you can't influence me,
or I'll call Children's Services Division,
better known as C.S.D.
"Mom's Reply and Thoughts
Of course my first instinct was
to toss him out the door.
But the chance to teach him a lesson
made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully,
I couldn't let this go.
A smile crept upon my face,
he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping
at the local Goodwill Store..
I told him, "Pick out all you want,
there's shirts & pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D.
who said they didn't care
if I bought you K-Mart shoes
instead of those Nike Airs.
I've canceled that appointment
to take your driver's test.
The C.S.D. is unconcerned
so I'll decide what's best.
"I said "No time to stop and eat,
or pick up stuff to munch.
And tomorrow you can start to learn
to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite,
and wait till dinner time.
We're having liver and onions,
a favorite dish of mine.
He asked "Can I please rent a movie,
to watch on my VCR?"
"Sorry, but I sold your TV,
for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room,
you'll take the couch instead.
The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now,
I'll choose what we eat.
That allowance that you used to get,
will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski,
dirt-bike & roller blades.
Check out the 'Parents Bill of Rights',
It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying,
Why are you on your knees?
Are you asking God to help you out,
instead of C.S.D..?

"Send to all people that have teenagers or
have already raised teenagers,
or have children who will soon be teenagers or
those who will be parents someday
OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH.

I love this One!!!
from a MOM
(Mean Old Mother.)